Feeling that you are not good enough will unconsciously make you do good enough and work extra to compensate.

I’ve always been fascinated by what drives people to act the way they do. What sparks our decisions and shapes our choices? This curiosity has fueled my journey—from studying Psychology and Psychoeducation in university to building a coaching business, working with homeless people, and specializing in Trauma and Life Coaching.

I’ve learned that our actions stem from two fundamental human needs. First, the need to feel good enough to be loved and accepted. Second, the need to do good enough to achieve success in our work and goals.

At the heart of everything we do is the belief that we are—or aren’t—good enough. This core belief forms in the first six years of life and grows stronger through our relationships over time. Using Erik Erikson’s Theory of Psychological Development, I’ll walk you through how these beliefs shape our lives.

The first 6 years of our lives

When a child is born, their mind is like an almost blank canvas. I say “almost” because research shows that even in the womb, children can experience the same emotions as their mothers. From birth, a child relies on their caregivers to meet basic needs—food, sleep, shelter, security, love, and attention. At first, they communicate these needs through crying and later through words.

When caregivers respond consistently and lovingly, the child learns they are valued, loved, and cared for. If their needs are ignored or unmet, the child internalizes the belief that they are not important, loved, or wanted. This creates a core understanding of the world: whether it is a safe, caring place or one where they must fend for themselves.

Science shows that children internalize everything communicated to them, verbally or nonverbally, as truth—especially between ages 0 and 6. During these formative years, a child believes 100% of what they hear about themselves and their environment. This is why it’s crucial to instill in children the truth that they are valuable, loved, and wanted.

When children’s needs are met, they develop trust and grow up feeling safe and secure. Inconsistent or rejecting caregivers, however, create feelings of mistrust, making the child view the world as unpredictable and unreliable. Researchers like John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth have shown that trust is essential for forming healthy attachments. Without it, children may develop anxious or avoidant attachment styles, which can later impact adult relationships.

This stage is also critical for fostering autonomy and self-confidence. Children need opportunities to explore and assert independence. Overprotection or neglect can lead to shame, self-doubt, and feelings of inadequacy.

During these early years, core beliefs are formed:

• “I am good enough” vs. “I am not good enough.”
• “I do good enough” vs. “I am not capable.”

These beliefs become the foundation of how children perceive themselves and the world, shaping their actions and relationships throughout life.

Between 6 and 12 years

From ages 6 to 12, children experience crucial developmental stages where initiative and competence take center stage. At this time, children begin exploring their independence and testing their power and control over the world around them. They demonstrate this through play, social interactions, and their growing responsibilities.

When children succeed in taking initiative, they feel confident and capable of leading others. However, if they face setbacks or are discouraged, they may develop feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and hesitation to take action.

The foundation laid during the first six years of life—beliefs about being “good enough” or “not good enough”—is reinforced during this stage by their environment, caregivers, and peers.

• Positive Belief (I am good enough): If a child believes they are good enough and loved, they confidently take the initiative to explore and grow.
• Negative Belief (I am not good enough): If a child feels they aren’t good enough, they may either overcompensate by striving for perfection or give up entirely, avoiding challenges.

When a child’s efforts to assert power are met with resistance or disapproval, they can feel guilty. On the other hand, a balanced environment, where mistakes are treated as learning opportunities, helps the child distinguish between guilt (what they did) and shame (who they are). This understanding builds resilience, a sense of purpose, and the ability to collaborate with others.

Industry vs. Inferiority

During this age, children also enter the developmental stage of industry and inferiority. Social interactions, particularly in school, play a critical role. Children begin to take pride in their achievements and abilities. Success fosters confidence and a belief in their skills, while repeated failure or lack of encouragement can lead to feelings of inferiority.

• Support and Encouragement: When parents and teachers acknowledge and support children’s efforts, they build self-esteem and confidence.
• Lack of Support: Without positive reinforcement, children may doubt their abilities and fear they can’t succeed.

By finding a balance between challenges and support, children develop a sense of competence—the belief that they can handle life’s demands. This stage lays the foundation for future success, resilience, and self-assuredness.

Key Takeaway: Encouraging children, celebrating their efforts, and teaching them to learn from setbacks instill confidence and a sense of purpose, helping them thrive both socially and emotionally.

From 12 to 18 years

The next stage in development is Identity and Confusion. Based on the belief of being or not good enough, the now teenager will develop an identity to confirm or infirm those beliefs. Because this stage happens in already turbulent years of teenagerhood, adding the belief that one is not good enough as it is will make the development even more challenging. A person’s sense of identity and how he sees himself will influence his behavior and development for the rest of his person’s life. Teenagers need to develop a healthy sense of who they are in this world. When they succeed, they will be able to stay true to themselves, while when they fail to create a good sense of self, they will feel confused about their role in the world and develop a weak sense of self.

When teenagers believe they are not good enough, they need encouragement, support to explore their independence, and clear boundaries to explore who they are. Too much freedom teaches them that they are not good enough for someone to care for and set some healthy boundaries around them. Having strict boundaries teaches them they are good for nothing on their own, so they always need people around them to tell them what to do. Balance is found in healthy, wide enough boundaries to allow them to develop and explore who they are, with clear backup and support when they make mistakes. Judgment has no place in a person’s life, as it should not be present in any stage, but this particular stage is even more important since it forms the child’s sense of identity, independence, and control over their own life.

A sense of personal identity will continue to influence behavior and development for the rest of the person’s life. Identity combines all the beliefs, ideals, and values that help shape and affect one’s behavior.

A good, healthy sense of identity leads to fidelity and loyalty, living according to the rules and expectations of the teenager’s society. An unhealthy sense of identity often leads to difficulties in maintaining healthy relationships, complying with societal norms, breaking the law, using substances to test the limits of the people around them in the attempt to discover who they are, and other self-destructive behaviors.

Identity changes throughout life based on experiences and interactions with the people around one. One’s identity, what one believes, guides one’s thoughts, emotions, beliefs, choices, child’s behavior and results in life. This will reinforce the beliefs the child has developed by now: “I am good enough = I am a good person who makes mistakes,” or “I am not good enough = I am a bad person, and that’s why I make mistakes.”

From 18 to 40 years

You might think that it is easy to live now that you know who you are. As you might already have discovered, if you are between 18 and 40, life is never teenagers and pushes us for growth. As a result, the next stage in development is Intimacy and Isolation.

When Identity is not formed as it should be, intimacy can be challenging. For example, it is well-researched that childhood trauma creates attachment difficulties, and the people who experienced trauma in their childhood have difficulties trusting and creating intimacy. As a result, they end up in abusive relationships or end up losing important people in their life due to isolation and lack of intimacy. I can confirm as someone living with Complex PTSD; I am still learning to create intimacy and allow myself to be vulnerable.

Intimacy is a critical stage in developing well. Otherwise, people isolate themselves, and whatever belief is formed will be reinforced. When a person believes that he is not good enough to deserve love, care, intimacy, and connection, he will naturally be isolated from other people. This isolation will be a self-fulfilling prophecy reinforcing the belief of not being good enough.

How is intimacy formed?

Intimacy comes from being vulnerable and opening up to people you trust. When trust is absent, vulnerability can be challenging but not impossible. Even someone who was severely hurt can build the skills to open up and create intimacy through vulnerability.

Start with developing a strong sense of self, knowing who you are, where you want to go, what kind of person you want to be, and how you plan to get there. Intimacy is built on a strong sense of identity. The way I do it is to anchor myself in something g higher than me, and for me, this is God. I love Him with all I have and am and love others as I love myself. I learned to love myself through His eyes because, for many years, my eyes were sick when it came to seeing myself as I am. The trauma did that, distorted my sense of identity, and as a Christian, I chose to anchor myself in the identity God gave me as His beloved daughter. This way, I can develop intimacy with a few people I love. It will never be easy for me, but also it is not impossible. So it is for you.

From 40 to 65

The next phase of development is generativity and stagnation. At this stage, we need to create things that will outlast us. It is time we build families and companies that become successful, with cultures that last until we are no longer here. Recently, I lost a very good friend, and after he died, I went back on the podcasts we did together and realized that even if he is not here in person anymore, his legacy and wisdom will stay with us through the work he did and the kindness he spread around him. You can listen to our conversation here.

The ones who succeed in this phase feel useful and contribute to the world by improving it. The ones who fail feel useless like they waste their lives without contributing. We often see people stuck when this phase is not successful. Being stuck can look like having the same job for 20 years without feeling fulfilled, but they are afraid to leave because they are loyal or insecure about finding or sometimes even looking for another job.

Care is the strength you build when this stage goes well. It’s about feeling proud of what you’ve achieved in your career, watching your children grow up, and staying closely connected to your life partner. When you believe that you are good enough as you are, you will create things that outlast you. If having a family does not happen, you will focus on making a difference in the world by building businesses or through charity and good deeds.

Think of Nelson Mandela, Steve Jobs, or Georgina Duka Tesla, the mother of the great inventor Nikola Tesla, an inventor herself. Even if she never learned to read, she memorized many stories from Siberian folk. As a mother, Georgina made a difference by placing her love for inventions into her son, who, as a man at that time, had real chances to succeed, and he did. She changed the world by raising a son.

From 65 to death

The last stage of psychosocial development is integrity and despair, which occurs in old age. It focuses on looking back on the life one has been living, reflecting on their experiences and deciding whether they’re happy with how they lived or if they regret things they did or didn’t do. Older adults need to feel their lives have meaning and bring them fulfillment. When they succeed, they think wisely and are at peace. That comes from a deep belief developed in their life that they are good enough, and, as a result, they are doing a good job by living a life that brings wisdom and meaning into the world they live in.

When they fail in this stage, they may feel regret, bitterness, or despair due to a deep belief that they are never good enough no matter what they do. They have been trying to compensate for the feeling of not being good enough through doing so, and they have gotten tired of life itself.

Looking back on life, those who feel satisfied with their choices and achievements find peace. But those who dwell on regrets often feel unsettled and fearful as they face life’s end.

Conclusion

As you read this article, you might notice that every stage of life has its challenges, and every season is bound to success or failure based on what you believe deep down. Everything in life comes down to the basic two human needs: First, to be good enough for someone to love us, nourish us, care for us, and want us to be part of their life without having to work for it, just because we exist. We call that unconditional love. The second need is to know that we do well enough in everything we work on with our hands or minds.

When we don’t believe that we’re good enough as we are, we work hard to compensate by doing good enough. This mechanism leads to burnout, extreme tiredness, depression, and the feeling that we don’t belong in the world. We feel that whatever we do, no matter how much we try, no one will ever love us or want us. This is how we become overachievers and high achievers, a place of compensation and hard work that leads to exhaustion.

On the other hand, when we believe that we are good enough to be loved and cared for just the way we are, doing good is a result of the internal belief that we don’t have to work hard for love, care, and belonging, other fundamental human needs we have. Flow and creativity are natural results, and confidence, boldness, and integrity, all needed to achieve success, are natural responses to the deep belief that we are enough.

Do you want to change the world? Get to the point of learning and internalizing that you are good enough just the way you are to be loved, wanted, and cared for, and instill that belief in your children so they will give it to their children and children’s children. This way you change the world one generation at a time, starting with you.